A complete list of Christmas gifts for every NBA team

[NJNJ]

You and old man Claus can make your lists and check them twice. Me? I'm done. Here's a list 30 deep for teams that have more needs than they might realize. And please, no ho-ho-ho jokes:

 

Atlanta Hawks: The complete filmography, on Blu-ray, of Pee Wee Herman. As a cautionary tale against growing old without growing up, in the event the Hawks sense a little slippage.

 

Boston Celtics: A bunch of new numerals -- Roman, Arabic, binary, you name it -- to replace all the jersey numbers already hanging (or soon to be) from the Garden rafters.

 

Charlotte Bobcats: A half dozen "thank you" notes on Crane & Co.'s finest stationery to be delivered to the Nets, the Spurs, the Hawks, the Pacers and the Warriors in appreciation for making Stephen Jackson available at this point in time. The sixth note is the one Charlotte will send at some future point to the team that takes Jackson off their hands once he's worn out his welcome there too.

 

Cleveland Cavaliers: A simple gift card good for one (1) franchise player's maximum salary, along with the costs of sprucing up their city until it becomes the media, cultural, financial and commercial center of the free world, at which point no one would ever think of leaving.

 

Chicago Bulls: A low-post scorer, something the Bulls have pestered Santa about for more years running than Ralphie asked for the Red Ryder BB gun.

 

Dallas Mavericks: A big ol' jar of Grade A, finely ground Looming Free Agency, to be sprinkled over center Erick Dampier, to taste, from now till June.

 

Denver Nuggets: A Carmelo Anthony puppet to appear in commercials with the LeBron and Kobe puppets, assuming 'Melo's soft-sculpt self can get the other Nuggets puppets to a Finals some day, too.

 

Detroit Pistons: A nine-month 2010 calendar that begins with April. Former Piston Chauncey Billups predicts this team will be dangerous in the playoffs' first round. It's getting from here to there that's the tricky part.

 

Golden State Warriors: Sixteen or 17 more victories as soon as possible, so Don Nelson can catch and pass Lenny Wilkens' all-time NBA regular-season record (1,332) and then put his health and happiness ahead of any more four-games-in-five-nights stretches.

 

Houston Rockets: For the other Rockets, Tracy McGrady. For McGrady, more spunk and fire and hustle than he's ever played with before. Can't play in Dallas on Feb. 14 if you can't play in Houston the right way.

 

Indiana Pacers: A comeback by Reggie Miller, no matter how ill-advised or creaky. He's still got more go-to in his game than Danny Granger does right now.

 

Los Angeles Clippers: A Stephen King production of Dickens' A Christmas Carol, to be performed one time only, in the theatre of owner Donald Sterling's mind.

 

Los Angeles Lakers: Furry steering-wheel covers. Look, what else can you get for the guys who have everything? It's about time they hit the road anyway.

 

CONTINUE READING FOR THE REST OF THE TEAMS